If you are unable to enjoy the higher functions you are capable of—the ability to relax, to experience joy, to move toward your dreams—that alarm system is being overused. You are living with an IV drip of low-level negative emotion, otherwise known as anxiety. You are surviving, but not thriving. Your purpose on earth is being trumped by the misperceptions of threat and the false alarms of the amygdalae or, to borrow the sages’ metaphor, the monkey mind. (Location 156)
In order to protect your social status, your monkey mind is always watching and listening to those around you, looking for signals telling whether you are respected, whether you are loved, and whether you belong. (Location 179)
No matter how smart you are, no matter how crystal clear your vision, everything is distorted when viewed through the lens of fear. (Location 209)
When we are hijacked by the monkey mind, we make two simple mistakes. First, we overestimate the threat. (Location 212)
The second mistake is that we underestimate our ability to cope with both the negative emotions in the monkey’s alarm, and with the threat should it actually occur. (Location 215)
If you can conceptualize your anxiety as a false alarm, and your anxious thoughts as being like the chattering of a monkey, you have already begun your healing. You understand that the monkey mind is a working part of you, but you are not the monkey. (Location 234)
Intolerance of uncertainty: I must be 100% certain. Perfectionism: I must not make mistakes. Over-responsibility: I am responsible for everyone’s happiness and safety. (Location 273)
Life always provides adversity, for which we need flexibility and resilience. And life also provides pleasant surprises—joyous and peaceful moments that we can’t anticipate. (Location 321)
Taking responsibility means not making things worse, and taking actions to solve problems. (Location 391)
Thinking we are capable of changing others or keeping them happy leads to burnout, both personal and professional. (Location 404)
The over-responsible mind-set calls for bending over backward to accommodate others’ needs and expectations, whatever it takes to preserve the connection. (Location 415)
These are the three false assumptions of the monkey mind-set. As long as I am certain, as long as I am perfect, and as long as others are okay I will be safe, able to relax, and happy. Each of these assumptions overestimates the threat and underestimates our ability to cope. Each of them treats the perception of threat as accurate, a problem to be fixed. (Location 446)
The monkey can’t be reasoned with, comforted, or distracted from its mission. The only way we can get what we want in life is to override its warnings with our behavior. (Location 495)
If you want to stop being ruled by the monkey, you are the one who will have to change. (Location 609)
We can’t expect the monkey mind to stop making us anxious if we continue to give it treats for doing so. (Location 624)
To help you determine whether a suspect strategy is feeding the monkey, here are two criteria: The strategy gives only temporary relief and must be repeated. The strategy takes you away from either your goals or your values in life. (Location 646)
Right up there with overplanning is compulsive list making. We list the chores we need to do, the things we don’t want to forget, what to pack for an upcoming trip, what to ask the doctor, or what to do in our free time. And don’t forget the list of all your lists! When you cannot be happy until everything on your list is checked off, you are not allowing much opportunity for yourself to be happy. (Location 691)
When care of others takes precedence over care of oneself, it is often motivated out of anxiety and not just love. (Location 744)
When you say yes to something in order not to displease others, when you go along with the crowd so as not to risk feeling left out, when you accept a task that is more than you can handle so you won’t be judged as selfish or not a team player, or simply so you won’t lose the connection, you are performing a safety strategy. (Location 745)
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As you examine your association with others, a good question to ask is, Am I taking care of myself in this transaction? If the answer is no, or if you’re not sure, there is a good possibility you are trying to please. (Location 754)
Common Safety Strategies Here’s a list of some common safety strategies. I’ve labeled each with a code for the monkey mind-set they are associated with. IOU = Intolerance of Uncertainty P = Perfectionism OR = Over-responsibility (Location 759)
Here is a short list of common distractions that are used as safety strategies. Which of them do you use to feed your monkey? Media like TV, computer games, online searches, e-mail Staying busy with tasks at home or at work Engaging with others in person, texting, or using social media Staying busy with hobbies (Location 832)
Relaxation is essential for our overall health, both mental and physical. But if you are trying to relax because you are afraid of anxiety itself and see your anxious sensations as a threat, it is a safety strategy. This is a problem because you are feeding your monkey mind. (Location 852)
Each of us has an ocean of possibility and discovery directly in front of us—the rest of our lives. (Location 907)
Assumptions like I must be certain, I must be perfect, and I am responsible for everything and everybody must be flipped to I am willing to be uncertain, I can make mistakes, and I am responsible for myself. (Location 912)
Expansive Mind-set: Mistakes, judgments, and criticism are signs that I have taken a risk, and are opportunities for growth. (Location 1033)
Expansive Mind-set: I know I will do some things well and other things poorly, and neither reflects my worth as a person (unconditional self-acceptance). (Location 1036)
Expansive Mind-set: I am motivated by excellence, creativity, and purpose. (Location 1040)
Expansive Mind-set: Being imperfect and fallible is part of being human. (Location 1043)
Expansive Mind-set: It is more important to do my personal best than to measure myself against others’ accomplishments. (Location 1046)
Just imagine what your life would be like if you actually believed you could handle things whether or not they turned out like you planned, if you didn’t have to be 100% perfect in every action you took, and if you didn’t have to fix everyone else’s problems. (Location 1110)
Five-Step Problem Solving Identify the problem. List four possible actions to solve it. Review short- and long-term consequences of each possible action. Choose the best action and do it. Evaluate how it worked. Pat yourself on the back for trying something new! (Location 1413)
The price of creativity is the judgment of others. (Location 1562)
“Every child is an artist,” Pablo Picasso famously said. “The problem is how to remain an artist once we grow up.” (Location 1565)
If we continue to devote our lives to mere survival, while sacrificing values like creativity and spontaneity—and the personal goals that living according to those values will help us accomplish—sooner or later we are bound to feel regret. (Location 1570)
A mind-set that celebrates imperfection is characterized by these beliefs: I know I will do some things well and other things poorly, and neither reflects my worth as a person. (Unconditional self-acceptance) (Location 1788)
Mistakes, judgments, and criticism are signs that I have taken a risk and seized an opportunity for growth. I am motivated by excellence, creativity, and purpose. It is more important to do my personal best than measure myself against others’ accomplishments. Being imperfect and fallible is part of being human. (Location 1791)