A growing body of research evidence shows that when leaders create a culture of intellectual and emotional honesty, nuclear power plants are safer, workplaces become more inclusive, financial services firms gain greater customer loyalty, hospitals save more lives, government organizations deliver better service, tech firms learn to function seamlessly across international boundaries, nonprofits execute better on their missions, and bigotry is stemmed. (Location 82)
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What makes each of these conversations crucial—and not simply frustrating, frightening, or annoying—is that the outcome could have a huge impact on either relationships or results that affect you greatly. (Location 143)
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Crucial Conversation (krōō shel kän´vŭr sa´ shen) n A discussion between two or more people in which they hold (1) opposing opinions about a (2) high-stakes issue and where (3) emotions run strong. (Location 171)
You can measure the health of relationships, teams, and organizations by measuring the lag time between when problems are identified and when they are resolved. (Location 188)
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If you fail to discuss issues you have with your boss, your life partner, your neighbor, or your peer, will those issues magically disappear? No. Instead, they will become the lens you see the other person through. And how you see always shows up in how you act. Your resentment will show up in how you treat the other person. (Location 211)
Our natural tendencies in moments that seem threatening lean toward fight or flight rather than listen and speak. (Location 223)
People who routinely hold Crucial Conversations and hold them well are able to express controversial and even risky opinions in a way that gets heard. Their bosses, peers, and direct reports listen without becoming defensive or angry. (Location 304)
We discovered that the only way to really strengthen relationships is through the truth, not around it. (Location 308)
“How can I be 100 percent honest with Chris and at the same time be 100 percent respectful?” (Location 455)
When it comes to Crucial Conversations, skilled people find a way to get all relevant information (from themselves and others) out into the open. (Location 463)
In every instance where bosses are smart, highly paid, confident, and outspoken (i.e., most of the world), people tend to hold back their opinions rather than risk angering someone in a position of power. (Location 490)
Conversely, when people aren’t involved, when they sit back during touchy conversations, they’re rarely committed to the final decision. Since their ideas remain in their heads and their opinions never make it into the pool, they end up quietly criticizing and passively resisting. (Location 500)
“Fool’s Choice”—we think we have to choose between “telling the truth” and “keeping a friend.” Skilled communicators resist this false tradeoff and look for ways to do both. They look for a way to be both 100 percent honest and 100 percent respectful at the same time. (Location 581)
The first time something happens, it’s an incident. The second time it might be coincidence. The third time, it’s a pattern. (Location 698)
The more words it takes you to describe the topic, the less prepared you are to talk. For (Location 764)
If you worry about the how while trying to be honest about the what, you’ll be tempted to water down your message. (Location 773)
Never allow the conversation to shift or the topic to change without acknowledging you’ve done it. (Location 846)
What we fail to notice is our own eye roll, head shake, and sneer. (Location 888)
Skilled people Start with Heart. That is, they begin high-risk discussions with the right motives, and they stay focused on those motives no matter what happens. (Location 924)
When faced with pressure and strong opinions, we often stop worrying about the goal of adding to the pool of meaning and start looking for ways to win, save face, keep the peace, or punish others. (Location 954)
“When I feel threatened, I pause, take a breath, and ask, ‘What do I really want?’” (Location 980)
Now ask, “What do I really want?” Ask yourself these three questions: “What do I really want for myself?” “What do I really want for others?” “What do I really want for the relationship?” (Location 1007)
Once you’ve asked yourself what you want, add one more equally telling question: “What should I do right now to move toward what I really want?” (Location 1012)
“What do I really want for myself in the long term?” helps us shift our focus from our immediate, near-term desires to a more profound consideration of who we want to be: “What kind of person do I want to be?” “How do I want to treat others?” “How do I need to show up in this conversation in order to be that kind of person?” (Location 1023)
How you respond to your own emotions is the best predictor of everything that matters in life. It is the very essence of emotional intelligence. (Location 1128)
Nothing in this world is good or bad, but thinking makes it so. (Location 1207)
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If we take control of our stories, they won’t control us. (Location 1235)
Practice doesn’t make perfect; perfect practice makes perfect. (Location 248)